Note: If anyone’s feeling sensitive, this probably isn’t the post for you to read right now.
So, as you know, we got lucky on our first medicated IUI with donor sperm, and have wound up with twins. I now feel that we were kind of pressured into taking the Clomid: “Oh, we’ll monitor you, there’s only an 8% chance of twins, etc” Well, I had three follicles develop, and two fertilized and stuck. And I am so scared of having twins. When I was in my late teens, I was a nanny for twins(and their slightly older sister), and it was awful–one would scream, which would set the other one off, and I wasn’t strong enough to hold them both at the same time….I can just see myself falling off the deep end with these two. At almost 15 weeks, I’m pretty sure it’s too late for selective reduction….why didn’t I push for that earlier? I guess I was in denial, thinking that I’d miscarry one and that everything would be ok.
The medications for they hyperemesis (phenergan, benedryl, reglan, zofran) have kept me so out of it that all I do lately is sleep.
However, last week I was finally able to wean off them, and suddenly: excess energy! Which for me, manifests itself as worry and panic attacks, etc. I’m bipolar to start with, and couldn’t keep any of my psych meds down during the hyperemesis, so I’ve basically been unmedicated for the past 12 weeks. Last Sunday my husband brought me to the ED twice to try and get some help, and all I got was a lecture on how “this was a very special pregnancy,” etc etc. Since then, I’ve managed to get into see my therapist, OB, andpsychiatrist, and we’re hoping that now that I can keep pills down I’ll start getting better.
I feel so guilty about this, when I know there are thousands of woman who would kill to be in my place. But my husband and I only ever wanted one baby. I wanted that closeness, that intimacy with my baby that I can’t have now. I wanted to do attachment parenting, and I don’t think that’s possible when you’ve got two babies to split your attention between. So much of what i wanted to do, I can’t have. I go to the baby stores and look at double strollers, and they’re so huge. We had to buy a new car just to fit the two carseats and twin stoller in it.
Please, someone out there tell me I’m not alone in this. I know twins are supposed to be a blessing, but it all feels so damn overwhelming right now. All I can do is cry these days.