So, we had our appointment with the donor gametes counseler today. That was nice. I cried, as is usual for me when it comes to counselling. I’m sad about the loss of the family I thought we’d have. I’m sad that I won’t see Chris’s curly hair on our little girl, his gangly body in our skinny boy. I’m sad for the loss of our privacy–our reproductive efforts out in the open, for everyone to see. I fear that even if we didn’t tell anyone, they’ll know in looking at our child: where did her nose come from? Where’d those eyes come from? Whose hair is that? And in my voice, trying to explain it all–will I ever reach a point where my voice won’t shake when I say, “We did donor sperm”? And the big question: Will I regret this. Am I going to look at a child made from some other man’s sperm and say, “I wish we’d waited for IVF”?
Sometimes I think that if we doubt it at all, we should wait. But there’s no part of me that wants to wait right now–seven years I’ve been waiting. I cannot wait another year, and it might be that until Chris gets the job that covers IVF. Sure, he wants to hire him now–but with the economy the way it is… I guess if I knew it was going to be a month or two, I’d wait. But not knowing that… I’m not about to wait any longer. I can’t.
We were told to look for a book called Helping the Stork. I also found Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogrates. Hopefully these will help. What I’m looking for now are kids books that explain the donor insemination process. Anyone know of any?
Why does this have to be so hard?