Donor Issues

So, we had our appointment with the donor gametes counseler today.  That was nice.  I cried, as is usual for me when it comes to counselling.  I’m sad about the loss of the family I thought we’d have.  I’m sad that I won’t see Chris’s curly hair on our little girl, his gangly body in our skinny boy.  I’m sad for the loss of our privacy–our reproductive efforts out in the open, for everyone to see.  I fear that even if we didn’t tell anyone, they’ll know in looking at our child: where did her nose come from?  Where’d those eyes come from?  Whose hair is that?  And in my voice, trying to explain it all–will I ever reach a point where my voice won’t shake when I say, “We did donor sperm”?  And the big question: Will I regret this.  Am I going to look at a child made from some other man’s sperm and say, “I wish we’d waited for IVF”?

Sometimes I think that if we doubt it at all, we should wait.  But there’s no part of me that wants to wait right now–seven years I’ve been waiting.  I cannot wait another year, and it might be that until Chris gets the job that covers IVF.  Sure, he wants to hire him now–but with the economy the way it is…  I guess if I knew it was going to be a month or two, I’d wait.   But not knowing that… I’m not about to wait any longer.  I can’t.

We were told to look for a book called Helping the Stork.  I also found Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogrates.  Hopefully these will help.  What I’m looking for now are kids books that explain the donor insemination process.  Anyone know of any?

Why does this have to be so hard?


5 responses to “Donor Issues

  1. I can’t speak for everyone, but I have a feeling once you hold a baby in your arms you won’t regret it. I can’t speak for my husband either, but from what I gather he doesn’t regret our son in the least. I will tell you he isn’t totally over his sadness about it though and I know that sometimes the loss of his biolgical children still haunts him.

  2. Somewhat–God, I hope so.
    Chris maintains that he’s ok with it, has no sadness, etc, but I worry that he’s supressing something. How can he not have any sadness about this, when I’m aching over here?

  3. Oh hun…these issues are so tough. I’m with Somewhat…but would take it a step further. The moment you see that 2nd line–the moment you see your babies heartbeat, donor sperm will be the LAST thing on your mind.

    The pain and heartache we have experienced since losing our twin girls has just further proven my theory. My husband would not have been any more devastated had Karis and Addison been conceived using his sperm. They were HIS girls.

    In the end, you have to do whats best for you.

    Best of luck to you.


  4. I haven’t had success to know… but I imagine that Somewhat and NoSwimmers are both 100% correct.

    Sending you lots of warmth as you go through this,

  5. I’m another one who can’t speak from the other side of the pregnant divide, but I’ve found that I’ve been able to come to a place of greater peace with all this than I ever thought possible. Maybe it’s partly because my husband already has an adult son, so he doesn’t have to grieve the loss of that connection completely, and partly because it’s really a choice between my marriage and having a child with donor sperm (maybe that choice is a bit over-simplified, but that’s pretty close to how I see it.)

    Helping the Stork is a great book – I found it long before I found the blogs, and I remember crying because it felt so good to know I wasn’t alone in all the questions and anger and grief. There is a lot of good, concrete advice in there that I’ve found helpful.

    I understand what you mean about the waiting, and the torturous questions that come with wondering whether waiting a bit more, doing a bit more, choosing a different path – whether doing any part of this different would yield a different result and help us avoid the pain and suffering that comes with this whole IF journey. I guess part of the way I deal with it is just to accept that this is the way it is, and no choice I make will be without risks or without sadness. I’m doing the best I can right now, and really that’s all I can do.

    Hang in there. You really are not alone, and we’re all here for you anytime.

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