Venting–Twin Issues

Note: If anyone’s feeling sensitive, this probably isn’t the post for you to read right now.

So, as you know, we got lucky on our first medicated IUI with donor sperm, and have wound up with twins. I now feel that we were kind of pressured into taking the Clomid: “Oh, we’ll monitor you, there’s only an 8% chance of twins, etc” Well, I had three follicles develop, and two fertilized and stuck. And I am so scared of having twins. When I was in my late teens, I was a nanny for twins(and their slightly older sister), and it was awful–one would scream, which would set the other one off, and I wasn’t strong enough to hold them both at the same time….I can just see myself falling off the deep end with these two. At almost 15 weeks, I’m pretty sure it’s too late for selective reduction….why didn’t I push for that earlier? I guess I was in denial, thinking that I’d miscarry one and that everything would be ok.

The medications for they hyperemesis (phenergan, benedryl, reglan, zofran) have kept me so out of it that all I do lately is sleep.

However, last week I was finally able to wean off them, and suddenly: excess energy! Which for me, manifests itself as worry and panic attacks, etc. I’m bipolar to start with, and couldn’t keep any of my psych meds down during the hyperemesis, so I’ve basically been unmedicated for the past 12 weeks. Last Sunday my husband brought me to the ED twice to try and get some help, and all I got was a lecture on how “this was a very special pregnancy,” etc etc. Since then, I’ve managed to get into see my therapist, OB, andpsychiatrist, and we’re hoping that now that I can keep pills down I’ll start getting better.

I feel so guilty about this, when I know there are thousands of woman who would kill to be in my place. But my husband and I only ever wanted one baby. I wanted that closeness, that intimacy with my baby that I can’t have now. I wanted to do attachment parenting, and I don’t think that’s possible when you’ve got two babies to split your attention between. So much of what i wanted to do, I can’t have. I go to the baby stores and look at double strollers, and they’re so huge. We had to buy a new car just to fit the two carseats and twin stoller in it.

Please, someone out there tell me I’m not alone in this. I know twins are supposed to be a blessing, but it all feels so damn overwhelming right now. All I can do is cry these days.

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11 responses to “Venting–Twin Issues

  1. I do know that it’s possible to do attachment parenting with twins. I know two women who did, including one who nursed both for 29 months.

    I have nothing else intelligent to say, sorry.

  2. Alexicographer

    Hi. I came over from LFCA and am afraid I have no soothing words of wisdom. In terms of my own experience (so you know where I’m coming from) I think, honestly, I’d have been OK with twins on my first (IVF) pregnancy, but now that we’re contemplating trying again, I’m having it out with my RE over just how many embryos a forty-year old should(n’t) have transferred. Which first off is a joke as I’m unlikely to have any to transfer and second, well, why can’t he get his head around the point that I’d rather have an only child (and yet another failed IVF under my belt) than a twin pregnancy with all the risks that entails?

    Er. So, as I said, not much help except to say that I empathize and do think your feelings are perfectly valid. That’s not in any way intended to diminish the value of either of the babies you’re expecting, just to say that, um, yes, this twin thing seems hard.

    I don’t know if you already know her blog, but if not you might want to check out Akeeyu at http://herveryown.typepad.com/. She’s bipolar and a mom to twins through IVF and while I wouldn’t say her blog is entirely “upbeat” (at the moment she’s posting a series about being bipolar and what that’s like, just in general), she’s got a wonderful, snarky sense of humor and might be a helpful source of support for what you’re dealing with (i.e. she might respond if you emailed her). I’ve followed her blog a long time, and I can also tell you — as you’ll see if you read her archives — that after a long journey to try to get and stay pregnant, she decided to transfer two embryos in IVF though she had in general expressed a pretty strong commitment to wanting a singleton pregnancy. That transfer lead to her twin daughters after a very touch-and-go pregnancy. So, again, the idea of twins not being an unmitigated blessing may be something she can relate to.

  3. I’m sorry you’re struggling so…and please don’t feel like you’re a bad person or crazy.

    I know how I am when I’m off my meds, as I’m bipolar too.

    Your kids need a sane mom more than they need anything, and you need to do what you need to do to.

    Hang in there!

  4. Visiting from L&F.

    I’m not sure this will help or not, but here goes.

    I am currently 34 weeeks pregnant with twin boys after my DH had surgery and hormone therapy, one bad IVF, two failed IUI’s and months of cancelling cycles due to cysts.

    I still wonder if we did the right thing transferring two embryos last summer. Some days, I worry it was a short-sighted mistake, that we won’t be able to provide as much, that the pregnancy is too high risk, or I’ll go crazy with twins at home while DH is at work, or even little things like how will I handle swim lessons by myself?

    And then other days, I know in my heart that we did the right thing for us, because I couldn’t handle another failed cycle. For me, despite all my hangups, I would rather be pregnant with twins than not pregnant at all.

    It doesn’t sound like you were at that point, but at least you know other people have the same thoughts, and worry about the idea of real life twins in their home. It’s totally overwhelming, and your feelings are natural. Best of luck to you!

  5. Everyone feels and responds differently to pressures in thier lives…and this one is big for you, obviously. I don’t have any insightful words of wisdom, but I’d like to suggest you find a local “twin mommies” group to talk with mom’s of multiples and get a better feeling for how your lives will flow once your sweetpeas are here. I don’t blame you in the least for being worried or overwhelmed with having twins. Get some advice from mommies who have been-there-done-that…it may help you cope and plan for the day your babies come into your world!

  6. (((hugs))) I don’t really have any advice to give, but since you mentioned attachment parenting I will say that I have known several moms who practiced AP with twins. It might be helpful for you to get in touch with some of them. I would head over to http://www.thebabywearer.com/forum/ and http://www.mothering.com/discussions/ and maybe post about parenting twins and looking for those with similar experiences. They might be able to give you the help, advice, and reassurance that you need.

  7. annacyclopedia

    I wanted to chime in here, too – I have serious reservations about having twins as well, and certainly you are not alone in this. I am just 6 weeks now and won’t have the first u/s until 8 weeks, and I’m really hoping there is only one in there, even though I have no reason to think there is more than one, as I think I only had one decent sized follicle this last cycle. But back on track – I think I would feel the same way if I was in your position. Twins are definitely a challenge.

    I do have faith, though, that you’ll be able to figure it all out and be the kind of parent you want to be. I don’t know many parents of twins, but the ones I do know seem to have managed a pretty good version of attachment parenting. Of course you have to figure it out as you go along, but in many ways, that’s what attachment parenting is – just following your instincts and going with what is right for you as a family. No doubt there will be some tough moments, but I also have no doubt that you will get through them as a family.

    If you haven’t read it already, there is what seems like a pretty good section on multiples in Sheila Kitzinger’s Complete Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth – I just skimmed it since buying the book on Saturday, but I think she does discuss breastfeeding there.

    I’m thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers, and wishing you peace.

  8. Hey dear, I know exactly what you mean. Not everyone wants the same thing, and frankly there are lots of complications both before and after birth that make twins a daunting thing.

    Have you checked out “Having Twins”? It has a pretty positive, if somewhat crunchy and self-righteous, message. You’ll get through this, and you’ll do it in a way close to your heart.

  9. Here from LFCA.

    Just want to say I that I get it. I’m bipolar and TTC #2. I couldn’t cope with #2 AND #3. I would love them but feel that I couldn’t do right by them because of my illness.

    I hope you can get all the assistance you need in both coming to terms with this and practical help when they’re here.

  10. I think this is a totally normal concern. It’s got to be completely overwhelming, between being off your med’s, dealing with the m/s, and knowing that there are two of them coming your way. I have to think that at some point, all parents of multiples get to where you’re at now, whether they want to acknowledge it or not. Just trust that you WILL find your way through it. It will probably be difficult at times when they are infants, but they won’t stay babies forever. As you get past age two, it will get increasingly easier to have two of them. And there ARE benefits–as the children get older, they will have a built-in playmate for example.
    The best thing you can do for yourself is to take a deep breath, and start building up your support networks–online multiples support/parenting groups, and people IRL who are willing to come to over and give you a mental health break when you need one. I think it will help a lot to know that you’ve got people behind you. You CAN do this, and you might even find you love it and can’t imagine having only one.

  11. annacyclopedia

    Just came from the L&F cause I heard you had your babies. Congratulations! I am holding you all in my thoughts today, wishing you strength and good health.

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